I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
