i'm lost and i look like a hooker
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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