I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
