I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
