apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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