Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
