My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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