I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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