Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
