you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
