i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
