I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
