Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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