It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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