Sorry, I don't speak sober.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
