Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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