If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
