This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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