all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize