Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
