Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
