I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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