$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
