if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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