im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
