operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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