So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know her cup size but not her name....
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