Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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