Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
