She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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