Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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