true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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