I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
