I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
