do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
