Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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