i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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