My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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