i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The ass gains better be worth it
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