no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
