Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
