Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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