I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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