I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
