pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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