I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
