The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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