I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dicks are not precious.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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