There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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