My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The dick lei will go down in squad history
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
