Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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