I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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