I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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