Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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